Off the top of my head!!!!

These are a few of my favourite things. (In random order)

1. The winters are here. I love the winters. A chilly wind-enough to give frostbite to the healthiest human beings, foggy grey days-that depress mere mortals but bring inexplicable joy to me, zero visibility-that makes commuters grit their teeth and lose their cool but makes me smile like the Cheshire Cat, gentle rays of the sun- soft, heady, intoxicating, lighter hours at work, more time with Him, weddings, fresh veggies, I FEEL ALIVE!!!!!

2. I met a few of his friends yesterday. They are over from the US for a short trip here. One of them told me, at his insistence ofcourse, how much she cried when she saw Kal Ho Na Ho, even though she does not understand the language. In between my guffaws, she also told me how both her boyfriend and she cried when they saw it together. He too doesn't understand the language. I was about to launch into fresh peals of laughter when i saw Him tenderly reaching out to comfort her. At that instant I knew why I loved Him. My laughter mellowed down to a tender smile as I remembered all the times both of us had understood emotions perfectly without the need for any words, without knowing each other's language. He is a good human being, not an ounce of malice in his bones, he is a good son, brother, better friend and the best better half ever. After having been hurt once long long ago, I never thought I would ever have the strength to fall in love all over again, to make myself vulnerable. But here I am, completely defenceless, shorn of all pretence, hopelessly in love, even thought I know we can never be.

3. Tears of joy.......I recently rediscovered them. Thanks to Him and with a lil help from the gusty icy winds.

Please help me, I sound soppy!!

Waging War

The Battle of the Bulge, The Battle of Sex(es), The Battle of my Back..I seem to be indulging a lot of warfare of late. Some of them are interlinked, but these days life seems to be one long drawn battle.

Step by step you say, awite...As a kid, i managed to injure my back about a decade ago. The fall out of that is that whenever I exert myself, my lower back swells to twice the size of texas and there is diddly squat that I can do about it. My love for the outdoors and sports of course, in no way helps the issue. So basically, for the past decade or so, life has been one long struggle between the desire to play and nursing an aching back for 2 days thereafter.

Then comes the Battle of the Bulge.Well, obviously, since my back does not allow me too much physical activity, coupled with the fact that my job is more or less a sedentary one, I have grown. Thats putting it a lil mildly. But please could we just leave it at that?? Please!! So for the past 5 years, since I've been on a "watch my weight" spree, I'm waging war against my back to get that perfect coke bottle figure....the one litre bottle mind you, the hourglass figure is a thing of the past..sigh!!!

That leaves us with the Battle of Sex(es)...you think with my rotund belly and broken back I would be getting any action????? Geez, you do live in a dream world, dontcha?????

I am sitting at my desk right now, sipping coke (must remind myself to have diet), wearing some lumbar support and fantasizing about a boy!!! Must stop drooling!!! Must also stop fooling myself!!!

So basically...life is war, consisting of a fresh battle every single day!!!

Together

She went over for a cuppa. They hadn't met in a bit. She was glad to have wrapped up work early and at the cost of standing up a client, she played hookey from office. She was on her way to meet him. Him who was such an intrinsic part of her that try as she might, she couldn't bear to part with him. The 2 of them had tried, so often, to head their own separate ways, but somehow, they always ended up bumping into each other. She smiled as she heard the song on the radio, he loved to hear her sing. She knew she didnt sing well, but she always did sing and he loved to hear her.

She rang the bell to his apartment and was greeted by a stranger. She was a little taken aback but she was used to seeing new faces in his place every now and then. He was quite the host and his apartment, quite the mess. But she knew something was seriously wrong the moment she set foot in the house. The lights were dim, he was lying curled up on the couch and the presence of their other friends told her that something was amiss. Noone dared to look her in the eye. Cautiously, she made her way across the hall to him. He didnt look at her either. She sat down next to him and hugged him, not knowing what was going. That one gesture was all it took. He clung to her and cried. His body wracked by sobs. She didnt know what was going on, what to do, but the sight of him crying was enough to for her tears to fall too. She was so scared.

He refused to calm down and she looked at her friends helplessly, seeking for an answer, an explanation behind what was happening. Finally Sam pulled her away and led her to another room. Thats when he told her. She froze. Her legs gave way and she was sitting on the cold floor. She sat there for a bit, Sam was as lost as her, he tried to pull her up. She waved him away. Took a minute, rose from the floor and walked back to Him to the couch. She flung the blanket off him. Forced him to his feet. Kissed him like she had never kissed him before and held him close. The organizer in her took charge. She snapped orders at her friends and arranged for Him to be taken for a second opinion. Sam was assigned to the computer to read up all he could in medical literature about His illness. A hot cuppa was finally shared with Him and he even smiled at her stupid jokes for a bit.

She tucked him in for the night and headed back home in a daze. She's been sleep walking through the day ever since and doesn't know what to do. She knew that them being together meant a long drawn battle against family. This battle against a life threatening illness is not what she had in mind. They would finally be together, but this was not how she had hoped for it to be.

The "he" in the "She"

There is this boy....Somehow, its always about a boy!!!

Anyway, lets start afresh..So there's this boy, we like each other and have been together for a while now!! We are committed, very much in love and happy around each other. So you might ask what in heaven's name is the problem, I am sure, like me, you too can rattle off the names of atleast 3698967 people who would kill to be in my place, off the top of your head ofcourse. So, the question being, what is the F&&*&%$@%@ problem woman??????

Well, its just this...He is a foreigner of sorts!!!

I can almost hear you scream as you read this and I can just about see you slapping your forehead, rolling your eyes in wonder and asking yourself if I belong to this century or not. Well...I do, but I am old school and I know my folks will hit the roof and I am rather fond of them too, so I have made my choice and I have chosen them over him!!!

Yes, you can now nail me to a cross and worship me henceforth!!

But thats that!! Now, making the decision was the easy bit, living by it is incredibly tough!! I am just understanding how tough it is, with each passing day and I haven't yet fully comprehended it in its entirety.

His infectious smile, the way he holds my hand when he drives, how he takes a deep breath whenever I am close by coz he loves my perfume, how he sometimes takes his eyes off the road completely, just to look at me and I act like I can't tell coz I am staring straight ahead all the while I am seeing him see my from the corner of my eye. The way he makes perfect sense and plays the role of a much needed anchor in my crazy life and crazier thoughts. How he wants me to meet everyone, including his family and respects me for my work. How he calls me once in a while to ask for some professional advice and respects my word. How he listens to me, makes me smile, cry, feel warm on the inside, content, serene, at peace. How he loves travelling as much as I do and is just as big a sports freak as me. How he knows so much about so many things that I would like to learn of, how he can give a discourse on anything under the sun and make so much sense. How he can faff his way through the stickiest situations and emerge unruffled. How he has no sense of dressing, rhythm, time, distance and sensing a woman' mood. He makes me happy.

I have spent 2 amazing years with him, but now........

As i walked away from him y'day I told him that the time to live by our decision was upon us.

Chronicle of Dreams!!

I have been tagged by Utopia, so scary as the thought of revealing me dreams to all of you sounds, I am doing it..only for you Utopia!!

My earliest recollection of a dream is when I was about 10. A huge fan of Steffi Graf, I couldn't think of any other sport but tennis and any other sports person, but her. My dream involved the Olympics being hosted in a stadium right next to my house, which in reality housed one of my classmates from school back then. I dreamt that I stood in queue to buy Ms. Graf a hotdog and she gave me front row seats for her match in return. After a few years, she quit playing the sport and I, watching it. But till date, one of my MANY unfulfilled dreams involves watching Steffi Graf beat the hell outta Monica Seles in a Wimbledon final.

As the years went by, I dreamt of being a martyr.....Dont ask me where I get these ideas from, but I am as jingo a patriot as they come. I just have to hear the starting notes of the national anthem to have tears streaming down my face and it has taken me all my self restraint to stop myself from beating the shit outta jerks who condemn my country and/ or cannot stand still for the duration of the anthem!! I was heartbroken when I learnt that women dont serve in active combat posts in the army and so my dream of dying a heroic death in the battlefield and being awarded the highest gallantry award posthumously too died a natural death. Given half a chance, I would don the uniform and enlist in the forces should the occasion arise.

Today, my dreams are a little more ambitious than before. Today, I dream of love..not just in the romantic, sexual kinda love, but love for life, tolerance, acceptance and commitment. I would be blatantly lying if I said that I do not dream of finding my love and being loved in return, but I also dream of humanity and love in the larger sense of the word. I dream of us as a more humane lot, I desire for all of us to imbibe the true ethos the meaning of equality in every single sphere of our lives and not do mere lip service to the concept. I dream of a nation free from bigotry, rid of the evils plaguing our minds, our lives, our very existence. I wish we could do away with the double standards we subscribe too and the fake ideals that we hold in such high esteem. If each one of us were to be true to ourselves in a manner that leaves no room for self doubt, there is nothing stopping us from being truly happy.

My most personal dream involves me leading my nation.... immodest as it may sound, I know I am meant for something big, I know I have it in me to do something for my country over and above my contribution as an honest, humane citizen. What that is, I have yet to figure out, but I do intend on doing something about it.

But above all, I dream of serenity, contentment, calmness and peace, the kinda warmth that you feel when you soak in the sun on a lazy winter morning!!!

He caught just a glimpse of her on his whirlwind work tour and for the first time he did not curse his hectic traveling. Instead he just stood there, dumbfounded, gaping at her like she were something alien altogether. She caught him from the corner of her eye, but probably she was used to the effect she had on people, she just walked on. The usually poised guy, he was left speechless. Mercifully he had the nerves to learn of her name. he couldn't wait to get back home. Once there, he did something he'd never done before... He asked around. God bless technology, he discovered her on one of the million social networking groups mushrooming on cyber space. She came across as an honest, simple lady. He liked that. One fateful evening he mustered up the courage to send her an email. As expected, she didn't respond. He even liked that, but he knew that in order to get her to talk, he would need to persevere..and persevere he did. Finally, applauding his persistence, she relented. What followed was some of the best conversation either of them had ever had or would have in the future...but all behind a thick veil of anonymity. He had managed to learn all about her, but all she knew about him was what he had told her....nothing..well, nothing save for the fact that he could talk and do something no man had ever done before...Listen!!

Their communication was intoxicating...a duel of words yet a source of warmth..something both of them looked forward to each day. Then came the big question of revelation of identity. He panicked..he wanted to make it special..he wanted to meet her for the first time the way he had imagined it would be...an accidental slip on the road, she would be in his arms and he would call out her name!!! But he didnt want to tell her that right away, nor turn down the proposal of meeting up..so he carried on with the anonymous mails.

Meanwhile, in her town, she was facing a dilemma of her own. Contrary to all her rules and notions of prudence, she was falling for a beautiful stranger!! Was it the cloak of anonymity or just the fact that he sounded so genuine, she could talk to him about anything under the sun. On most occasions, man that he was, he even provided her with solutions, but sometimes he was just perfect the way he just sat back, listened to her and did the virtual equivalent of holding her in his arms and just being there. She felt like she'd known him all her life. But something about the equation didn't seem right, why was he so reluctant to meet her? She tried to get him to come out of the dark and tell her everything about himself, she didn't like the idea of relying so heavily on nameless, faceless entity. But he never relented. Slowly, the emails reduced, the compliments ran out, the teasing, the pranks, the innuendos all dried up. They did exchange the odd mail, but she found solace in the arms of someone around her..someone she knew and learnt to love.

He too was extremely fond of her. She came like a whiff of fresh air into his life, cheered him up and showed him a side to life he had almost forgotten struggling under the burden of his numerous responsibilities. She taught him not to take life so seriously, she taught him about flowers, the rains, stupid jokes, dancing, walks, trees, family, friends, a life away from work, a balance, but above all, she taught him to laugh! On his side, he provided her with stability, conversation, companionship, respect and trust, all the things she had wrongly been denied for a long time. Despite their radically different backgrounds and the rightly anticipated fierce opposition from their families, they contemplated marriage!! They dared to believe that it could happen, they hoped against hope that it wold happen, but in the end, it did not!!

They remained friends, or atleast tried to. He drowned himself in his work and she in her make believe utopia. She thought they could still be friends, he knew they couldn't, but for her sake he was willing to try. But every single conversation, every single laugh, the sight of her with other men even old friends who had once hung out with both of them stung his heart!! Each of her attempts to reach out to him and assure him that everything was all right further pushed him into his own cocoon. Finally, he dealt with it in the only way he knew, by shutting himself out of her life completely. He stopped taking her phone calls, stopped returning them, found an excuse to avoid any plans of meeting up and shut her out completely.

But the truth remained that he still couldn't sleep at night...her face, her laughter, the way her eyes twinkled, haunted him all through the night. He knew what he had to do.....

Meanwhile, a few thousand miles away, another man dreamt of her. He knew that in his quest for perfection he had alienated her. He regretted it every single waking moment, but his pride came in the way of acknowledging it to her. they still did exchange the odd mail, but he had a feeling that he had almost lost her. He knew what he had to do....

She sat at her computer, rereading her emails over the past year with the beautiful stranger. then she took a long look at the photographs of the one she had spent the past year or so with but who had now walked out on her like everyone else. She knew what she had to do....

The next morning was a beautiful day. Cloudy, breezy with the sweet promise of rain. Just the way she liked it. He remembered their conversation about the rich smell of the rain falling on the parched earth as he sat at the airport waiting to catch a flight to her city. He was finally going to meet her..it might not have been the way he had planned, but it would still be perfect. Lost in his dreams, he reached out for his morning cuppa and the newspaper. That's when he saw it!

In her city, he awakened to the sound of rain falling outside his window. He took a deep breath and after a long long time, he felt alive. He picked up his phone and searched for the florist, whose services he hadn't availed of in a while. He remembered that he favourite flowers were carnations, he remembered that dinner at their restaurant where he had the manager bring in a bouquet of a hundred pink and yellow carnations. He smiled to himself as he recollected the look on her face and the surge of hapiness in his heart when she hugged him. He then reached out for the newspaper. That's when he saw it.

There she was, smiling, laughing, the epitome of joy frozen forever in the obituaries!!!!!

Randomly speaking!!

I dont have a clue about this post and where its going, but here I am putting finger to keyboard!!! Yes, honestly, one finger at a time. No I am not 40...yet!!

Anyway, so the past few weeks have been the usual drudgery, work, home, work, home, work, movie, work, pub, work, gym, work and so on and so forth. So where in this mundane routine would I find inspiration for a post?? Everywhere!! Lets call this the "have you ever noticed" series!

work first!!

1. Have you ever noticed how a file always lands up on your desk the minute you have shut down your computer and made plans for dinner?

2. Have you ever noticed how by the time you reach the lunch table, someone is reaching out for that last slice of pepperoni pizza and all thats left is some veggie stuff? (no offence to my vegetarian readers, but you gotta respect the sacrifice that poor lil piggy made dude)

3. Have you ever noticed how your boss ALWAYS manages to walk into your room when you are cracking up on the latest piece of gossip?

4. Still in the scenario of the previous question, have you ever noticed how your attempts at maintaining a straight face and acting all official fall flat in their face?

5. Have you ever noticed how your senior manages to detect you playing solitaire coz your glasses reflect the damned green screen? (seriously, the techie guys out there, you have to do something about that guys)

ok...change of scene...on the road!!

1. Ever noticed how the car on the extreme left will inevitably want to turn right..right in front of you?

2. Ever noticed how every time you drive through a green, it turns orange just as you are whizzing past it and a cop decides to get you to pull over?

3. Ever noticed how the car immediately behind you will ALWAYS honk the instant the lights turn green, even if you are the 44th car from the signal?? I believe that this is the smallest unit of measuring time: a taxisecond. defined as the amount of time it takes between the light in front of you turning green and the guy behind you honking!! confounded twits!!!!!!

lets try the pub now!!

1. Ever noticed how when you are yelling to make yourself heard over the music, the DJ decides to change the track and there is a split second silence when nothing else can be heard, but you making a complete fool of yourself?

2. Ever noticed how the cute looking guy who just walked in and has made eye contact with you is always joined in by his girlfriend who had (smartly so) decided to pee before getting drunk!!

I think that's enough noticing for a bit!! Feel free to add your two bits on this series, who knows, we might take it forward to a PartII

Just.....

I am in one of those moods. Somehow "those moods" have been rather frequent of late...and no I am not PMSing!! I dont know what triggered it off, but somehow for the past few days the sad songs seem just a wee bit sadder, the mushy numbers do bring tears to my eyes, I smile through my tears remembering someone/ something and I haven't been my sociable self! I honestly dont know whats happened, not even if something's gone wrong or gone right!!

You know how it is when every once in a while things around you just seem to slow down a bit, kinda like how you are after you're a little stoned when everything around you seems so much more fluid, in sync, softer and even a pebble on the street is capable of evoking mush!!

Ofcourse, when i snap out of my reverie, I will read this post and go "BLECH!!!" but for now, even this nonsense seems so romantic.

PS: just to clarify..I am not in love, not seeing anyone, haven't lost my marbles (not completely at any rate)

Contradictions!!

Have you ever behaved in complete contradiction of who you are? Has it ever happened to you that you have done something which is, clearly, not something you would've done? Have you all along believed yourself to be a certain type of person, believed in certain fixed principles/ morals/ behaviourial patterns and have never (save an eccentric/ drunk moment here or there) deviated from such behaviour but suddenly, despite being fully aware of the difference in your actions, have acted in a manner contrary to your usual self??? If not, then.....Dude..get a life!!

The problem started with me believing that I was a particular kinda person!!! I used to believe that I would react in a given manner in similar situations..until.....

Now ofcourse, I am not gonna tell you minute details of what has happened to lead me to question my own conduct and everyone else's too, but suffice to say...I behaved in a manner which I really dont think is me!!!! and the best part is....I dont feel weird about it. I was gonna use the word "guilty" but I realized that its not so much as guilt as it is discomfort at something new!! You do know how it is when you are breaking an old habit??

I would've imagined that that was that..for a boring person like me, not behaving in the manner I have been behaving all these years, is quite something. One such deviant act and its time to put up my feet, bask in the sun and warm my old bones, probably knit while I am at it..but the problem is that it didnt just end there!!

This new found deviant streak of mine has suddenly released me. I am euphoric!! I dont expect myself to behave in a given manner in a given situation and the anticipation, the excitement in not knowing how I will behave is what makes the entire exercise so much more fun. Its like I am trying to challenge myself to behave in a more unpredictable manner with each passing moment. Not to say I am being rude or something, just that I am not being myself.

But who knows, maybe I am being myself, only I didnt know till now who "myself" was???

Kinda reminds me of these lines I read someplace.

"I can be anybody you want me to be on a given day, but I'd rather switch
randomly because it's so much more fun."

In a daze

He saw her walk across the hall. He was hooked. Despite the flurry of activity and million voices around him all he could see was her and all he could hear was her laugh. Someone shook him out of his reverie, he could've killed him but he realized it was his boss. Cursing inwardly, he tried to focus on what boss was saying, but his eyes kept searching for her, but she had disappeared.

The days went by in a daze. He couldn't get her out of his head and his eyes sought her in that hall every single day, but in vain. He imagined her laughing, at first it filled his heart with joy to hear those peals tinkle in his head, but the joy soon turned bitter as he imagined her laughing at him, mocking him, scorning his frustration.

The happiness that lay in the anticipation of catching a glimpse of her soon gave way to hatred. His eyes still looked hungrily for her, but now this search was not for the love that had once blossomed in his heart. Now he searched for her to punish her, to teach her not to make a mockery of him.

But the vengence too faded into oblivion, afterall, how long could he sustain it of his own accord, without providing it without the required instigation to fuel it? He was left hollow. These gamut of emotions had drained him completely and he felt empty from the inside; a shadow of his former self. His friends noticed it too and he soon stopped feeling the need for company. His friends statred shunning him and soon he was spotted floating alone, ostracized, desolate, weathered, as if he had lived 10 years in that one.

She saw him one day, standing by himself in one corner of that fateful hall where he had seen her exactly a year ago to this day. She went up to him and said hello. His breath froze sharply, for he instantly recognized that voice. He went through a billion emotions in an instant, he had relived that one year in that one instant. It took him all his effort to open his eyes and turn to look at her. He marvelled at his own ability to feel so much and so many feelings for a single person who he hadn't even ever spoken to. He was sorely tempted to react, acknowledge the effect she had on him, tell her; give her inkling of what all she had done to him, but his exhaustion got the better of him. Somewhere deep down inside he knew he did not have the strength to feel again. She had drained him of everything!! He ignored her and continued to stare into vacant space. Puzzled, she moved on.

And so ended, what could have been, the greatest love stories of our times.

Spare a thought!!

I suffer from this incurable disease..its called equality!! Now i know that in today's day and age its an archaic concept and therefore i dont belong...but my version of equality is not in line with the 3 great pillars of the French Revolution nor do i share the vision of our founding fathers who established equality as the spirit of the Indian Constiution...my idea of equality is very localized. it starts and ends with people, things and stuff that are in direct contact with me. Pluto, as you shall read on and learn, is an exception.

My hassle starts early in the day the minute i open my eyes. if i put my left leg on the floor first then the feelings of my right leg shall be kept intact by ensuring that it enters my bathroom first. If i put on my right sleeve first then the left leg of the trousers must be worn first. If the left socks is worn first, then the right shoe goes in before the left one..and so on and so forth..you get the point right?? you will ofcourse appreciate the amount of toll all of this takes on my mental faculties..so if the next time you see me and i am semi bald, please dont get shocked.

well, this entire business of equality doesn't end with just this...when i eat, its usually in the company of a calculator, hold the sighs and i shall explain how and why. My meal of 2 veggies, a dal and some roti involves calculations that only Chacha Chaudhry is capable of. each side of my mouth will have the same number of bites of each vegetable in a particular order. and if, in the unlikely event, coz i plan it so, the number of bites is an odd number, then either its chewed completely in the centre of the mouth or is split into two. in light of this concept of equality, i have also perfected the art of looking and sounding extremely interested in what the person acorss me is saying while all the time calculating in my head as to where the next bite of paneer should go and when the left side of my mouth will be able to eat the rajma its been eyeing for 5 bites.

ofcourse this concept of equality is inculcated in every single moment of my existence..which also explains why i cannot bear to see the last sip or the last morsel of soemthing being left out of sheer politeness. noone seems to spare a thought to its feelings. you dont think that the last piece of chicken wings that you left on the plate will be feeling left out? you dont think it privately go and shed tears at the thought of being seperated from all its friends???? how insensitive can you be??? shame on you!!

but whaty got my goat (i know it s a lil belated, but i've been meaning to write about this for a bit now) is what we all did to Poor Lil Pluto. He was told (I am safely assuming its a male) (poetic license please) that he was the coolest one...small, compact, enjoyed his journey round the sun so took the maximum amount of time to do it...he was the dude, uber cool!! He was the one who left the ladies all pins and needles (remember My Very Eager Mother Just Sat Upon Nine Pins??) suddenly, one day, as he was merrily chugging along around the sun, taking in the view, feeling the wind through his surface, completely oblivious to the life changing stuff that was going around him, he was suddenly told that he was no longer a planet!! GASP!!!! Couldn't we have broken this news to him a lil gently??? is this the way to tell someone that they've been demoted...stripped of their personality, their being and rendered useless, just one of the teeming billions??? did we for a second stop to think of what Poor Lil Pluto must've felt like???

I tell you, its an insensitive world that we live in...

My hand nurses a glass of wine;
In a room that’s dimly lit.
Up till now everything was fine;
Now for grief I search a bit.

A dark secret in my heart;
One that brims with pain.
Deep misery on my part;
Or atleast one I must feign.

That is how poetry is born;
Or so I have been told.
By masters who scorn;
At my venture oh so bold.

From great tragedy and unspoken fears;
Do the greatest poems stem.
I search in vain for hidden tears;
Not one drop to produce a gem.

I tossed the wine in the sink;
And switched on the light.
My poetry will be happy I think;
I am not giving in without a fight.

Don’t force sadness, don’t be low;
If in the end it sets you free.
Those words, I’ll have you know;
Are the purest form of poetry.