Monday, September 29, 2008

Failure!

I wanted to write about the blasts! I wanted to try and understand what all of you out there feel about this, no not the enraged version, but a lil sober, well thought out, articulate version. I read SMM about her reservations against Muslims and am well aware of the general mindset that prevails in India and condescending statements about how all Muslims are not terrorists, but all terrorists are Muslims, etc etc. 

But I decided to examine the plight of a regular, non fundamentalist, educated Muslim. Here is someone who knows since the tender age of 5 that when she's travelling in public transport, she has to travel under a false name, more importantly, a Hindu name.  She's accused of being a Pakistani, which at the age of 3 is akin to being called anti national. She's often advised, suggested, threatened to go back to her country (Pakistan and not India, since it is assumed that Muslims ought to be in Pakistan and Hindus alone should be in India). 

She went to one of the premier schools in the capital, went on to one of the prominent law schools in the country and when she needed to rent a place to stay in Delhi, she couldn't find one. Well that is until she assumed another false, Hindu name. 

As a youngster like one of us, she too enjoys the occasional party, but she's learnt to hold her identity close to her and it takes a while for her to let her guard drop and tell you her religion. If she'd ever tried keeping track of the number of times she's heard the lines "Oh, you dont look Muslim." (Like what is a Mussalman supposed to look like?) or "Really, you drink wine, isn't that anti islam?" or "Hey, I have a lotta Muslim friends." (and that makes you secular because...?????), she'd have aged centuries in a year. 

She hates how even the most educated, 'liberal', 'open minded' individuals end up differentiating on the basis of religion and how Prez. Mush. is called a liberal Mussalman only coz he enjoys his whiskey. She is appalled at how years of friendship, relationships and love are forgotten with each successive blast. She wonders how only the Muslims stand out as terrorists and the LTTE, Naxalites, ULFA and billion other organizations who run parallel governments now, are conveniently ignored since they aren't Muslim. 

As an educated minority within her own community, she has long accepted that she needs to be the voice of reason, she needs to speak out for her people who cannot articulate their thoughts, their fears, their insecurities. Like the rest of her countrymen, she too hated fundamentalists, of all religions and she completely denounced any acts of terror, carried out in the name of Allah. But of late she knew she'd have to come to terms with the facts that she was fighting a losing battle. 

She'd fallen in love with someone, he loved her too. But he was Hindu and she was Muslim. He could see beyond that, but both of them knew that their families would not. They tried for a while, but it was just too painful. Eventually, like every other privilege, he too was snatched away from her, for being Muslim. 

She had tried long and hard to be one of the regular, educated, cosmopolitan youths, but each look of suspicion, each denial of her right, each deeper scrutiny of her actions, was worrying her and she was learning to find safety in numbers. She now understood why her ilk sought refuge in ghettoes, where they'd be amongst their own, without being looked at accusingly or suspiciously. She knew she'd never become a fundamentalist, but she couldn't live like this either. That's when she knew she'd have to run away.

She systematically liquidated her assets, closed all accounts, put in her papers at work, served her notice period, sold her car, had one final party at her place where her closest friends still genuinely enjoyed her company and boarded her flight to her freedom.

Her name appeared a week later in the list of dead, after they found her body from under the rubble.  She now knew there was no escaping it. She had tried to run to the other end of the world, but somehow had managed to board that very flight that now symbolizes the very basis of what she wanted to escape. 


Tuesday, September 9, 2008

"Pees" dont go!

Today has been a rather boring day. I've been in office since 10:30, its currently 4:45 and I dont have any work left. So, I've been reading blogs and checking emails OCD'esquely' since 3. So, thus far, its been great. 

However, I dont know what triggered it, but I was suddenly reminded of my last break up. Well it wasn't as much of a break up as it was being dumped. Rather nasty bit of emotional crap but thankfully it happened about 4 years ago so, it doesn't smash my ego to smithereens like it used to. What made matters worse was that he used to be my best friend for so many years before we started dating and it ended coz he cheated on me (something he acknowledged only 2 years ago) but yeah, he then proceeded to dump me, date the other lady and dump her too and "flit from rose to rose" and till date he flits. 

But my purpose of telling you this tale has nothing to do with the grotesque feelings associated with it. In fact, in retrospect, the events of that day after he left, are truly funny and I do manage to chuckle every time I think of them.

Well, so there he was stomping all over my heart. I'd seen it all along and I knew today would've come sooner or later but this was a lil too soon and decided for me. He came in around 5. 'A' (our other closest friend) was over visiting me. He came in barely spoke with A and much stomping later left, leaving A rather dazed and me rather upset.

I came out of my room and walked out of the house without so much as a word to A. I left my keys, my wallet and my phone behind me, thus disconnecting from the world, completely. I did not know what I was doing or what I would do. I just walked. And walked. And walked. I was kinda numb, in fact now that I think of it, I am sure I looked like quite the lunatic walking down the streets by herself with tears streaming down her face. Which also explains why I got the glances I did. So I walked and walked and walked, knowing fully well that A and the entire contingent of friends would be out looking for me or worried sick. I sat under a solitary bench by the road and just stared blankly into space. 

Up till now I was quite the picture of misery and devastation.

Then, I needed to pee!

I ran back home.

A was so relieved to see me without any visible traces of injury and I was plain relieved.

I guess the call of nature is more urgent that that of a broken heart.



Saturday, September 6, 2008

The Bucket List!

Its all about life giving you these signs. I dont know if anyone out there remembers this horrendous movie called "Final Destination". It was about a group of friends who are killed one by one coz they fail to recognize the warning signs life gives them. I thought the movie was a load of crap coz seriously, anything shot entirely in the dark with sudden noises and heart stopping crescendoes can send even the healthiest person into cardiac arrest. But I have all along and still do sincerely believe in life giving you signs. After all, we are all miniscule parts of a larger picture, right? 

So anyhoo, a few days ago this intern in my office was talking about the Morgan Freeman starrer, The Bucket List. Sounded like a great movie but a lil utopian to my liking. So it was back to the routine with scarce thought to the "list". Then this morn, I awoke, feeling miserable and well the passage of time has done nothing to alleviate my mood, so I decided to chuck work and read up some happy blogs. So I read http://skrinkeringhearts.wordpress.com/. Sorry I dont quite know how to post links and stuff just yet. I dont even think I will learn, bear with me. 

And guess what, she too spoke of the "list". That's when I realized I'd been ignoring the signs. So here's my list, in random order, with liberty to make additions and deletions at any given point in time.


The Bucket List

1. I want to travel the world, especially Europe, preferably backpack and spend obscene amounts of time in each place.

2. Write legal literature.

3. Be a well known jurist.

4. Have a house with a sprawling lawn and a basketball court.

5. Have a golden lab.

6. Teach.

7. Become an ambassador or high commissioner.

8. Own the sexiest black dress possible and look absolutely stunning each time I wear it.

9. Learn how to dance.

10. Find a partner who enjoys dancing as much as I do and leads me.

11. Go out for picnic and soak in some winter sun.

12. Own a farm in the hills.

13. Buy dad an SUV.

14. Learn how to swim.

15. Get into physical shape fit enough to play Lara Croft or Catwoman or something along those lines.

16. Learn one martial art from the Shaolin masters.

17. Play tennis.

18. Learn golf.

19. Be able to bake.

20. Love someone and be loved in return forever. Absolutely forever, without any doubt.

21. Be able to ride a motorcycle without being stared at.

22. Tell people exactly what I think of them and not worry about ramifications. 

23. Be happy.

24. Play in the rain.

25. Feel weak in the knees when kissing.

26. Try not to wear my heart on my sleeve.

27. Have a baby and hope that he/she will grow up to be a good human being.

28. Marry a happy guy. Someone who loves his family and spends time with them and has a great set of friends, some hobbies apart from my own and loves me dearly.

29. See Utopia find true love and get to keep it for eternity.

30. Stay best friends with Miss Touch Me Not and Utopia and Motu Boy forever.

I have so many more things to add to this list, which I guess I will over time, but for now I have to run coz Boss' coming.



Monday, September 1, 2008

And I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

The winter heralds the marriage season in North India. Its fabulous, apart from the traffic that is. I love attending weddings, especially now since most of my close friends have started tying the knot. Its great to dance, drink and make merry into wee hours of the night in a stunning sari and ooh and aah over the bride and tell the couple how great they look together and catch up with old friends and crack up over stories from long long ago when the present bride/ groom was a geek/ freak and run to tell the other person the singular most embarrassing incident of their lives. 

The forthcoming winters brought 3 really close friends' weddings. I met up with one of the brides to be a few days ago. We lived together in college and despite our lack of display of affection, are very very fond of each other and I know I can turn to her in times of need and I hope she knows that she too can rely on me for anything she wants. So, I met up with her a few days ago and being in a quandary about my personal life was going to ask her "how she knew/ was so sure about her husband to be". Instead of coming right out and asking her, I decided to ask her the progress on her wedding prep. That's when she told me...that the wedding was off. 

In true filmi fashion, the lights went out and both of us were staring at each other in pitch darkness (how that happens is something you have to experience to know) with this silence, thick enough to cut through, between us. I yelled out for a drink. She did the same. We downed our shots. And then she tried to get me to talk. I have exhibited withdrawal symptoms before, but nothing was this bad. Anyhow, we got talking and it turns out that the gentleman in question and she weren't compatible. Its  a pity she learnt of it only after the engagement, but better then than after marriage, right? Brave lady, she took the call and ended it. Applause!!! 

I am extremely proud of her. 

This obviously led me to some introspection and I realized that I had no clue where Boy and I were headed. Honestly, I aint sure about him any more. But I realize that could be as a result of my pent up irritation at our inability to take a step. So, here we are at the ripe old age of 26 and 30 respectively, earning well, settled in our careers, with the dream of travelling the world. And here we are dithering, unsure, unsteady, unstable and every other "un" you could conjure up. So in true female fashion, I ensured Boy bore the brunt of my excessive introspection.

I have now told him that he needs to take a call. If we dont want to give this up without a fight, then we need to speak with parents. In order to speak with the families, I need to be sure and I need him to be sure. In order for him to be sure, I need for him to believe in the institution of marriage to begin with. Else, we could walk away, none the wiser. 

I dont know how to deal with this....suggestions anyone????