Just.....

I am in one of those moods. Somehow "those moods" have been rather frequent of late...and no I am not PMSing!! I dont know what triggered it off, but somehow for the past few days the sad songs seem just a wee bit sadder, the mushy numbers do bring tears to my eyes, I smile through my tears remembering someone/ something and I haven't been my sociable self! I honestly dont know whats happened, not even if something's gone wrong or gone right!!

You know how it is when every once in a while things around you just seem to slow down a bit, kinda like how you are after you're a little stoned when everything around you seems so much more fluid, in sync, softer and even a pebble on the street is capable of evoking mush!!

Ofcourse, when i snap out of my reverie, I will read this post and go "BLECH!!!" but for now, even this nonsense seems so romantic.

PS: just to clarify..I am not in love, not seeing anyone, haven't lost my marbles (not completely at any rate)

Contradictions!!

Have you ever behaved in complete contradiction of who you are? Has it ever happened to you that you have done something which is, clearly, not something you would've done? Have you all along believed yourself to be a certain type of person, believed in certain fixed principles/ morals/ behaviourial patterns and have never (save an eccentric/ drunk moment here or there) deviated from such behaviour but suddenly, despite being fully aware of the difference in your actions, have acted in a manner contrary to your usual self??? If not, then.....Dude..get a life!!

The problem started with me believing that I was a particular kinda person!!! I used to believe that I would react in a given manner in similar situations..until.....

Now ofcourse, I am not gonna tell you minute details of what has happened to lead me to question my own conduct and everyone else's too, but suffice to say...I behaved in a manner which I really dont think is me!!!! and the best part is....I dont feel weird about it. I was gonna use the word "guilty" but I realized that its not so much as guilt as it is discomfort at something new!! You do know how it is when you are breaking an old habit??

I would've imagined that that was that..for a boring person like me, not behaving in the manner I have been behaving all these years, is quite something. One such deviant act and its time to put up my feet, bask in the sun and warm my old bones, probably knit while I am at it..but the problem is that it didnt just end there!!

This new found deviant streak of mine has suddenly released me. I am euphoric!! I dont expect myself to behave in a given manner in a given situation and the anticipation, the excitement in not knowing how I will behave is what makes the entire exercise so much more fun. Its like I am trying to challenge myself to behave in a more unpredictable manner with each passing moment. Not to say I am being rude or something, just that I am not being myself.

But who knows, maybe I am being myself, only I didnt know till now who "myself" was???

Kinda reminds me of these lines I read someplace.

"I can be anybody you want me to be on a given day, but I'd rather switch
randomly because it's so much more fun."